Venting...

Ok, I offer a warning to all readers...this is my raw unfiltered thoughts so if this might cause offense, you may want to stop reading.

Sometimes I hate life and most times I am frustrated with my own existence. It's like the little black cloud over Eeyore hangs over my head all the time. I always feel like I am frustrated, impatient, waiting for something. What in the world would I be waiting for? I have everything a woman could want. I have been offered everything beautiful from my heavenly Father. What in the world is there to wait for? Why is that little black cloud always hanging over my head? I know God gave life as a gift, but maybe I need to be more thankful. I guess there is so much about life that confounds me. I could blog for hours regarding my questions and feelings about life. I feel like I always have my galoshes on and that I am tramping through the mud. Every now and then I have a day where the sun seems to shine through. Why do those days even come?? It teases me to think that every day should be that way. Ideally, it would be nice. I wish I could sort out the questions about our purpose, about our existence, and come to some peace within myself. I am learning so much, but sometimes it is just so stinkin hard and overwhelming! I blogged the other day about wanting to be Pollyanna when I grew up, but instead most times I feel like that persnickety red-headed lady instead. Well, there is my venting for the week. I imagine that a little more time at the feet of Jesus would be the best thing for me. A little quiet time on my knees, maybe a good cry (if I could), and some peace inside. I will be patient and hope that someday life makes a little more sense.

So, if anyone read this and wish they hadn't...I truly apologize. But if you happen to have any great insights about life, please share. :)

Duct Tape Anyone??

I wonder if there is any value in a broken vase? I have many things around my house that are broken. They are truly beyond repair. They should probably be in the trash, rather than in my home any longer, but that is beside the point. I find broken crayons that no one wants to use, broken baby toys, clothes that have holes in annoying places, torn shoe soles, and so on. I relish the idea of moving to our new home soon, so I can leave those irritating pieces of junk behind in the dumpster! How grateful I am that God did not leave me behind in the dumpster, so to speak. I truly deserved it.

The topic of brokenness is an interesting one. The truth is, we are all broken whether we see it or not. Seeing it is the hard part. Some of us like to go on in life with duct tape covering over our brokenness. Maybe we paint over it, embellish it with stickers, stamps, or colorful beads. Allowing ourselves to BE broken, feeling broken, weak and helpless may give us a greater understanding of what it means to be saved. I picture my heavenly Father picking me up, the broken vase, and in His most majestic way, fixing me. I am not one of those who love hot pink duct tape, I would rather be truly repaired from the inside out. That is when I can truly be useful again.

Brokenness is so painful, humbling, and a truly pitiful experience. It takes bravery to enter into the knowledge of how broken we are. It hurts to feel weak, when all we want is to be strong. It is embarrassing to be caught as a sinner. The reward, is falling in love with our Savior. Living a full, abundant, authentic life is unlike anything ever experienced. Denying the enemy of his right to lie to us any longer and facing our brokenness does bring about a sort of suffering, but I would never want to trade it for anything in the world. I finally feel like a real person, able to be used somewhere, somehow. Best of all, I am beginning to truly know my Savior. I always want to be in this place...never do I want to step into a place of pride and selfishness again.

Cinderella Christianity

I thought I was created for more. I am not sure if I had a fairy tale view of Christianity, or if it was blind faith and the zeal of youth. When I was young I wanted to be like Florence Nightingale, or Pollyanna. If I couldn't bandage people's wounds, then at least I could change their lives and make them smile. My dreams were nice. I truly wanted to be something great. A few years ago, we thought about working overseas somewhere as missionaries. I still want to be something great, but I have come to accept that whatever God has given me to do right here, right now...IS great. I may not feel great sitting in my jeans, t-shirt, and hair up in a pony tail. I may be crabby, frazzled and covered in laundry. This work is what God has called me to do. It IS doing the work of God, and it is great. I don't feel holy doing the dishes, though it would be nice. Maybe some day I will wake up and find myself somewhere wiping the brow of a wounded and dying soldier. Maybe instead, I will be skipping down the streets in pretty dresses, singing to the forlorn, and making them smile. I think that even then I would not "feel" like what I was doing was something great, or holy. I think that I can enjoy what I do each day, and know that God looks upon me with joy just for living and loving Him, and doing what I do to the very best of my ability. Maybe I am living out my happily ever after.

Be still and know that I am God...Psalm 46:10

I happen to be the world's worst person at being still. Anyone who knows me knows that I am always moving, walking, running, biking, cleaning, baking, sewing...anything EXCEPT being still. If I am still, I am playing solitaire. I was thinking about this during one quiet moment of my day today and am realizing how much I am missing. Most of us, including me, are on a continual search to make sense of our lives. I have spent much time watching others, reading books, and striving to DO what was "right." When all pretty much failed, I found myself down in the mud. I have spent the last year or more wondering why I woke up with a face plant in the mud. Well, I am seriously wondering if spending more time being still...doing nothing but pondering the activities of my heart and mind would be more beneficial than DOING so much. After all, it was Mary's heart that pleased Jesus so much, and not Martha's. I know God holds all the answers to my life and the answers to my heart's deepest desires and longings. He created me. He knows me best and loves me. I aim to spend more time being still and leaning on my Creator. I have a strong feeling that I may have a deeper sense of peace and understanding in addition to a better relationship with my Father.

So in the attitude of stillness....

Letting Go...Holding On

It has been so long since blogging. I am considering giving this another try at my husband's suggestion. I love to write, and have a lot on my heart and mind. I am so hesitant to say much. I have been in a learning phase for so long now. I have tried to be quiet, seeking knowledge and trying to gain maturity. I have been thinking so much about what life means, and more specifically, what my life has meant to me. I have gone over the details of my life, crying inside over many things and learning how to let go. Other details of my life I have felt overjoyed about and am trying to hold on to those. I have felt so weak and have made so many mistakes. I still do not feel strong enough to say that I could lead anyone in a straight direction at this point, but I am willing to share some things and hear from others as well.

I am learning to let go of:

1. Striving for perfection
2. Looking to people to validate who I am
3. Holding everything inside of me
4. Control
5. People who have hurt me
6. Thinking every day has to be happy
7. I might add more later...this list could get too long.

I am learning to hold on to:

1. God's strength in all things
2. God's love that carries me through all things
3. The love for others who have been there for me
4. The love for others who need me
5. Gratefulness and love for my husband who is truly the best
6. Precious moments with my children who are growing too fast
7. Moments that teach me something new...even things that hurt or days that are unhappy
8. And more to come.....