The little girl inside

I have been reading the book Captivating written by John and Stasi Eldredge. It has been very helpful to my heart. I love how it explains the needs of a woman's heart beginning from the days when we were little girls. One thing I have learned is that life is messy. It is one great reason we need God. From the beginning of life we have deep needs in our hearts and very soon after life begins we realize that those needs are not able to be met by the people in our lives. Some times those people in our lives try their very best to meet our needs. Life, being what it is, brings tragedy, sadness, and sin in its many painful forms. As women, our needs just go unmet. Our hearts ache with longing and fill with sadness.

Two nights ago I dreamed that I was sitting in my kindergarten classroom as an adult, looking on as little Melissa was sitting in her desk. She looked so small, so innocent. She was one of those girls you just couldn't resist hugging. She looked so lost and there was a sadness behind those big eyes. I, as the adult, sat down and began to deeply sob. I am not sure entirely what this dream was all about, but I know that it was good for me to grieve for the way that life did not turn out quite like us little girls dream of. I have always been so hard on my self, so down on myself regarding my failures. To look upon that little girl and her lost hopes and dreams, her heart that was wounded, I began to have some compassion. I wanted to hold her, smooth her white/blonde hair, and comfort her. It gives me great comfort to know that my Saviour does that for me. He holds me, strokes my hair and comforts my heart. He knows all the deep needs of my heart and all that has occurred in my life and longs to soothe my soul. He provides all my needs. He is my heaven here in this messy world. I am so lost without Him and am so eternally grateful for His saving love and mercy.

Be still and know that I am God...Psalm 46:10

I happen to be the world's worst person at being still. Anyone who knows me knows that I am always moving, walking, running, biking, cleaning, baking, sewing...anything EXCEPT being still. If I am still, I am playing solitaire. I was thinking about this during one quiet moment of my day today and am realizing how much I am missing. Most of us, including me, are on a continual search to make sense of our lives. I have spent much time watching others, reading books, and striving to DO what was "right." When all pretty much failed, I found myself down in the mud. I have spent the last year or more wondering why I woke up with a face plant in the mud. Well, I am seriously wondering if spending more time being still...doing nothing but pondering the activities of my heart and mind would be more beneficial than DOING so much. After all, it was Mary's heart that pleased Jesus so much, and not Martha's. I know God holds all the answers to my life and the answers to my heart's deepest desires and longings. He created me. He knows me best and loves me. I aim to spend more time being still and leaning on my Creator. I have a strong feeling that I may have a deeper sense of peace and understanding in addition to a better relationship with my Father.

So in the attitude of stillness....