Sit in the Mess

Yesterday I thought I was going to post tips about the healing process of a wounded heart. After thinking about this more, I think that is unrealistic. Tips for making a better scrapbook. Tips for cleaning a bathroom better. Tips for how to pack your car for a trip. Those are the kinds of things you can give tips for. Pain and healing must be lived out individually. I hope this was no let down. Rather than give tips, I thought I would share my own personal lessons (done with much editing) and thoughts about my own journey. This journey has duly affected my family, hopefully for the better.

My first lesson that I learned was to learn to sit in the mess. In my own situation I felt as though I was in a huge muddy pit and that I just had to climb out and fix this problem. Basically, I wanted to walk away, hide and pretend there was no problem, no pain. What I was learning was that I was to face it. Not only was I to face it, but was to sit down in that mess.

Just what was the point of sitting down in a mess? If I did that in my home, it would look like a tornado came and swept down in two hours. The point was to stop, look around, feel the pain of what I was in. To realize that Jesus was with me, there to help me, and to comfort me. This mess would not be forever. But it would have been had I not sat down and looked at it. I wanted answers. What was I to do? How was I to fix this? The feelings and intensity of pain was mounting and I was told to sit down in that mess?

Honestly, I was fuming inside at the beginning of this first lesson. I was a person of change, perfection, and was the best at covering things up to look good. This was not feeling good at all, however I did sit in that mess, and sat, and kept sitting. It felt like the longest time that I sat there. The pain was swarming inside me and I just let myself face it. I could not receive God's love and forgiveness and comfort if I did not face my own junk and realize what God could do with my heart.

Healing is a slow process, one with a goal of hope and joy and of a bright future at the end. I am still heading there. But I desire to pass along where I have been. God has comforted my heart in amazing ways, and has brought hope. He has shown me that HE knows me and loves me above all else and that no matter what is going on around me, I am still okay, because of HIM.

I pray my readers, if there are any, would also know that you can be okay too. Blessings and peace, Melissa

Let's Wear Our Real Skin

Women hurt. I am sure of that. I have a heart for women that hurt. Women do so much in the world around them and touch so many lives. They can have an amazing impact on people's lives. I have lived through, and have seen how the pain in a woman's heart can cause so much damage. If pain and disappointment are not dealt with, damaging behaviors and thought patterns can begin. The true source of help and comfort lies in the arms of Jesus, but too often we women try to fix things in our lives. Sometimes that could be called micro-managing, controlling...maybe. I know for me it was.

I have gone through my own junk in life, and have felt a lot of pain. I lived in blissful ignorance for a long time, trying to be perfect, tried to perfect my environment, and then depression came in. Following depression came eating disorders, and more followed that. I am aware that my story is not a lone event. There are others. There are other homeschool mothers, bread baking housewives, and passionate Christian women who fall under the deadly trap that pain can be. 

I desire to see women open up and share more about our life stories. Why do we always feel the need to show a perfect view of ourselves? Why do we not share from our hearts...always holding back? We are in this together...we are all in this world, facing sin and dealing with our own disappointments. I believe if we let down our pretenses and begin to be real, we could really make a lot of change. We mothers who are working so hard, trying to become perfect can be positively or negatively impacting our children to affect the next generation of believers. I truly desire that we live in our real skins, talk openly, and heal fully. I commit to being a part of that in other's lives, as well as my own.

How can we practically do this? I will blog more about this tomorrow with some of my own perspective's idea of how to heal.

~Melissa

Friendship Conundrums

I don't trust people. There, I said it. It is a hard thing to admit to, and a harder thing to deal with. I have been pondering friendships lately and wondering what kind of person makes a friend like God wants us to be. What is a "God" kind of friendship? I know that we are to strive to be like Jesus, to love one another. Jesus had a purpose on earth, but I am not sure it was to be friends with everyone. He lived out his life for God and carried out His purposes. I know He stopped to eat and fellowship with others, and that he was loving and friendly, no doubt.  I really feel baffled by this friendship thing.

I see many different kinds of friendships out there. There are shopping friends. Facebook friends. Next door neighbor friends. Casual friends.  There seem to be the kind that call each other with every change of the tides and share every last detail of life with one another. There seem to be friends that thrive on drama and nonsense, crying and then hugging and so on. I don't say this judgmental..I too have done this crying and hugging and then laughing.  I notice what seems to be "friends to your face" kind of friendships. Those are the kinds where people are nice to one another and have great camaraderie for a while and then with great hugs and waves good-bye, move on to the next friend with tidbits of gossip about the last one. I know a lot of people that are truly loving and kind, but they don't seem to be caught up in the drama, nor do they go on gossiping about the last person they heard from. They don't come across with a prideful, know-it all, judge the world attitude, and yet, they do not have "best" friends either. This leaves me baffled.

My latest conclusion of this dilemma is that though it would be great to have that "best" friend with whom I share my shoes with and laugh over lipstick application at the bathroom mirrors, for now it may not be for me. I desire to continue to become more of a friend that God would want me to be. I want to learn as I relate to my children, and my husband, and my family. I want to become closer to Jesus and hopefully become more like Him. The trust issue...that is something God is working on in me. In the meantime, I will be busy in my home focusing on my priorities and trying to love others well in my life, and if best girlfriends don't come along in my lifetime, that is okay as long as I have my Jesus.

My desire for closeness with people grows. I would love to share life with another woman, with out the bitter jealousy or judgment. I would love to share ideas, recipes, joys and sorrows. To have someone to hold hands with and pray with would be grand. To have a friendship void of the pretense and the fears would be wonderful, but is it realistic? I plan on trying to practice these things one at a time and even if Female Superfriend never comes along, I want to enjoy life with my Superfriend who knows me best and loves me to the heavens and back.

I am processing life and trying to figure things out. I mean no judgement on anyone and am thankful for all of you in my life, and desire a deeper closeness with any friend I do have. Enjoy your Superfriend too. May we all be more like Him. Melissa

The little girl inside

I have been reading the book Captivating written by John and Stasi Eldredge. It has been very helpful to my heart. I love how it explains the needs of a woman's heart beginning from the days when we were little girls. One thing I have learned is that life is messy. It is one great reason we need God. From the beginning of life we have deep needs in our hearts and very soon after life begins we realize that those needs are not able to be met by the people in our lives. Some times those people in our lives try their very best to meet our needs. Life, being what it is, brings tragedy, sadness, and sin in its many painful forms. As women, our needs just go unmet. Our hearts ache with longing and fill with sadness.

Two nights ago I dreamed that I was sitting in my kindergarten classroom as an adult, looking on as little Melissa was sitting in her desk. She looked so small, so innocent. She was one of those girls you just couldn't resist hugging. She looked so lost and there was a sadness behind those big eyes. I, as the adult, sat down and began to deeply sob. I am not sure entirely what this dream was all about, but I know that it was good for me to grieve for the way that life did not turn out quite like us little girls dream of. I have always been so hard on my self, so down on myself regarding my failures. To look upon that little girl and her lost hopes and dreams, her heart that was wounded, I began to have some compassion. I wanted to hold her, smooth her white/blonde hair, and comfort her. It gives me great comfort to know that my Saviour does that for me. He holds me, strokes my hair and comforts my heart. He knows all the deep needs of my heart and all that has occurred in my life and longs to soothe my soul. He provides all my needs. He is my heaven here in this messy world. I am so lost without Him and am so eternally grateful for His saving love and mercy.