Sit in the Mess

Yesterday I thought I was going to post tips about the healing process of a wounded heart. After thinking about this more, I think that is unrealistic. Tips for making a better scrapbook. Tips for cleaning a bathroom better. Tips for how to pack your car for a trip. Those are the kinds of things you can give tips for. Pain and healing must be lived out individually. I hope this was no let down. Rather than give tips, I thought I would share my own personal lessons (done with much editing) and thoughts about my own journey. This journey has duly affected my family, hopefully for the better.

My first lesson that I learned was to learn to sit in the mess. In my own situation I felt as though I was in a huge muddy pit and that I just had to climb out and fix this problem. Basically, I wanted to walk away, hide and pretend there was no problem, no pain. What I was learning was that I was to face it. Not only was I to face it, but was to sit down in that mess.

Just what was the point of sitting down in a mess? If I did that in my home, it would look like a tornado came and swept down in two hours. The point was to stop, look around, feel the pain of what I was in. To realize that Jesus was with me, there to help me, and to comfort me. This mess would not be forever. But it would have been had I not sat down and looked at it. I wanted answers. What was I to do? How was I to fix this? The feelings and intensity of pain was mounting and I was told to sit down in that mess?

Honestly, I was fuming inside at the beginning of this first lesson. I was a person of change, perfection, and was the best at covering things up to look good. This was not feeling good at all, however I did sit in that mess, and sat, and kept sitting. It felt like the longest time that I sat there. The pain was swarming inside me and I just let myself face it. I could not receive God's love and forgiveness and comfort if I did not face my own junk and realize what God could do with my heart.

Healing is a slow process, one with a goal of hope and joy and of a bright future at the end. I am still heading there. But I desire to pass along where I have been. God has comforted my heart in amazing ways, and has brought hope. He has shown me that HE knows me and loves me above all else and that no matter what is going on around me, I am still okay, because of HIM.

I pray my readers, if there are any, would also know that you can be okay too. Blessings and peace, Melissa

Let's Wear Our Real Skin

Women hurt. I am sure of that. I have a heart for women that hurt. Women do so much in the world around them and touch so many lives. They can have an amazing impact on people's lives. I have lived through, and have seen how the pain in a woman's heart can cause so much damage. If pain and disappointment are not dealt with, damaging behaviors and thought patterns can begin. The true source of help and comfort lies in the arms of Jesus, but too often we women try to fix things in our lives. Sometimes that could be called micro-managing, controlling...maybe. I know for me it was.

I have gone through my own junk in life, and have felt a lot of pain. I lived in blissful ignorance for a long time, trying to be perfect, tried to perfect my environment, and then depression came in. Following depression came eating disorders, and more followed that. I am aware that my story is not a lone event. There are others. There are other homeschool mothers, bread baking housewives, and passionate Christian women who fall under the deadly trap that pain can be. 

I desire to see women open up and share more about our life stories. Why do we always feel the need to show a perfect view of ourselves? Why do we not share from our hearts...always holding back? We are in this together...we are all in this world, facing sin and dealing with our own disappointments. I believe if we let down our pretenses and begin to be real, we could really make a lot of change. We mothers who are working so hard, trying to become perfect can be positively or negatively impacting our children to affect the next generation of believers. I truly desire that we live in our real skins, talk openly, and heal fully. I commit to being a part of that in other's lives, as well as my own.

How can we practically do this? I will blog more about this tomorrow with some of my own perspective's idea of how to heal.

~Melissa

The little girl inside

I have been reading the book Captivating written by John and Stasi Eldredge. It has been very helpful to my heart. I love how it explains the needs of a woman's heart beginning from the days when we were little girls. One thing I have learned is that life is messy. It is one great reason we need God. From the beginning of life we have deep needs in our hearts and very soon after life begins we realize that those needs are not able to be met by the people in our lives. Some times those people in our lives try their very best to meet our needs. Life, being what it is, brings tragedy, sadness, and sin in its many painful forms. As women, our needs just go unmet. Our hearts ache with longing and fill with sadness.

Two nights ago I dreamed that I was sitting in my kindergarten classroom as an adult, looking on as little Melissa was sitting in her desk. She looked so small, so innocent. She was one of those girls you just couldn't resist hugging. She looked so lost and there was a sadness behind those big eyes. I, as the adult, sat down and began to deeply sob. I am not sure entirely what this dream was all about, but I know that it was good for me to grieve for the way that life did not turn out quite like us little girls dream of. I have always been so hard on my self, so down on myself regarding my failures. To look upon that little girl and her lost hopes and dreams, her heart that was wounded, I began to have some compassion. I wanted to hold her, smooth her white/blonde hair, and comfort her. It gives me great comfort to know that my Saviour does that for me. He holds me, strokes my hair and comforts my heart. He knows all the deep needs of my heart and all that has occurred in my life and longs to soothe my soul. He provides all my needs. He is my heaven here in this messy world. I am so lost without Him and am so eternally grateful for His saving love and mercy.

Letting Go...Holding On

It has been so long since blogging. I am considering giving this another try at my husband's suggestion. I love to write, and have a lot on my heart and mind. I am so hesitant to say much. I have been in a learning phase for so long now. I have tried to be quiet, seeking knowledge and trying to gain maturity. I have been thinking so much about what life means, and more specifically, what my life has meant to me. I have gone over the details of my life, crying inside over many things and learning how to let go. Other details of my life I have felt overjoyed about and am trying to hold on to those. I have felt so weak and have made so many mistakes. I still do not feel strong enough to say that I could lead anyone in a straight direction at this point, but I am willing to share some things and hear from others as well.

I am learning to let go of:

1. Striving for perfection
2. Looking to people to validate who I am
3. Holding everything inside of me
4. Control
5. People who have hurt me
6. Thinking every day has to be happy
7. I might add more later...this list could get too long.

I am learning to hold on to:

1. God's strength in all things
2. God's love that carries me through all things
3. The love for others who have been there for me
4. The love for others who need me
5. Gratefulness and love for my husband who is truly the best
6. Precious moments with my children who are growing too fast
7. Moments that teach me something new...even things that hurt or days that are unhappy
8. And more to come.....